The perfect gift for Valentine's Day

This Valentine's Day, show them you care with a cockroach. Or a scorpion. Or if you really want, something furry and cute like an emperor tamarin monkey.

You can "adopt" animals (in name only, you don't get to keep it in your house) through the San Francisco zoo.

$25 Hissing Cockroach adoption

Seems like a good basic option

$50 Scorpion adoption

I don't know why, but it is good to know that you can get 2 cockroaches for a scorpion. This must be the economy somewhere.

$50 Emperor Tamarin adoption

In what world is a basic adoption of this guy the same as a scorpion??

Awesome gifts from the MOMA store

I really loved my tumblers from the MOMA store, and while continuing my endless quest to find them again, I sometimes look at the store and see other cool things.

Here are some items I think would make great holiday gifts if you are still shopping:

For the kid/college student who has everything:

$28 Giant NYC Coloring Poster
It's almost 6 feet wide! That is so cool. Make sure to give them colored pencils or crayons with it so they don't use markers and then they bleed through to the wall or something.

For the young person with a new apartment:

$40 Rainbow tumbler set
These are not the regular ikea glasses that everyone has, and will make someone feel fancy and special to have them. Plus they make rainbows in your water, so that is an incentive to drink it, right?

For the person you don't know too well but have to buy something for at work, or your distant aunt:

$17 Unimug tea infuser
Everyone likes tea, or knows someone they can re-gift a tea thing to. This comes in under that $20 office party limit and looks really classy. And it's from the MOMA so that's impressive. I think the blue is the most neutral and sophisticated of the colors they offer.

For your design-loving brother:

$16 Spilt milk bowl
It's cool and it is a way fancier way to eat Cap'n Crunch. And it's a special one-off so you don't need to get a set or anything.

For your favorite woman (could be yourself):

$55 Glass bubble earrings
I like the idea of these glass earrings replacing more fussy dangly earrings or even pearls. They are simple and elegant but really pretty.

Gifts for Preggos

Long time no shop!
Haha jk, I've been shopping plenty, I just haven't told you about it.
Mostly because my shopping lists have changed pretty significantly now that I am pregnant!

Now sample sales are less appealing because who knows when and if I will ever be able to wear those slinky dresses or cute jeans again. I did go to a few, looking for tunics and long tank tops, but it's not the same.
Sob.

Anyway, there are all sorts of fun things out there that I can buy (just not at sample sales), and that YOU can buy for a special pregnant lady in your life, if you so choose.

U Shaped pillow

$99 Comfort U one piece pillow

As you can see, this mofo takes up THE WHOLE BED.
I asked for and got this very model for Chanukah (thanks, Mom!) and made the bed then threw it on top. There is absolutely no room for husbands or pets when you sleep with this thing. But it's so awesome.
It feels like you are at the bottom of a deep padded well, and unlike Baby Jessica, you don't want anyone to get you out.

I slept in it/with it for one night and am looking forward to doing so again later when I need to.
Right now I am only in my 2nd trimester and not yet physically uncomfortable when trying to sleep, so I am saving this for when it will be a real relief, and for when it's necessary. For now, it's not worth taking the whole bed up.


When I show people a picture of me in it, everyone including the healthy 25 yr old boys I work with has asked if you have to be pregnant to get this pillow. Nope, anyone who wants to be alone in a pillow pit can buy one. Though Amazon might try to sell you some nipple cream for a minute afterwards.


Gap Maternity Jeans

$75 Gap 1969 always skinny moto jean
I have these! Mine were on sale though at the time :P
They are faded black, skinny, and have a normal looking top part and some cool stitching around the knees.

Anyway, my favorite part is that the waistband doesn't look different from real jeans so you don't have to worry about finding a top long enough to cover it.
It has elastic inserts in the sides instead of a big broad panel over the top. See?

If you know her exact size, you can get her a pair. Jeans are hard though, sometimes you really just have to try them on.


Loft dress

$70 Ann Taylor LOFT Maternity spotted dress (plus extra 40% off = $42)

This is only available in XS right now, but one review said it runs big so that might be perfect!
Not sure if I need a dress but this one looks kind of cute.


Max your Mat Leave Guide

$60 Max Your Maternity Leave PDF package
Not sure if this one is worth it, but if it can give me even one more day of paid leave, it will be.
I think I want this.
Here is what the deluxe package comes with:

• Easy to read and print PDF format
• Editable proposal template attached
• Instant download access
• 30-minute consultation ($75 value)
• Telecommuting Proposal Package**
• Part-time Proposal Package**
• Combines leave + return-to-work solutions at one low price

 Maternity tights

$12 Zulily Black maternity compression tights
Click Here For My Zulily invite link which gets us both a discount!

These are things that I would rather not buy, bc UGHHHH so annoying to think about buying new staples just bc my belly is big, but would appreciate having so my tights don't press in on the waist.


Right now Zulily also has some maternity clothes by one of my favorite non-maternity brands, LAmade, so that is very exciting!
I love how soft their cotton is, it is just so comfortable.

Here are some things I like:

$22 LAmade Huckleberry dolman top
Click Here For My Zulily invite link which gets us both a discount!

$18 LAmade black Noah supima foldover pants

Click Here For My Zulily invite link which gets us both a discount!

$18 LAmade twist front dress in Twizzler
This also comes in huckleberry (royal blueish) and imperial blue (turquoise) and I like all 3 colors. Not sure which one would look best on me.

Click Here For My Zulily invite link which gets us both a discount!

SkyMall strikes again

It's been a while!
I've been traveling for work, and luckily for you that means I have had plenty of time to check out SkyMall for all the latest must-haves.
Remember, the holidays are coming up and there is no better place to purchase items for your loved ones than on a plane when you are bored and half drunk.

Let's see what special items there are for us:

$19.99 Shrub Guard

"Get one of these shrub covers and end your struggling with ugly burlap or plastic bags!"

 WHO DOES THIS
Who is this product for?
Who would buy a pillowcase for a bush?
Who would buy one in several sizes?
Who would make sure to buy one that has a leaf print so you know that hey, under there, that's a bush!!
I don't understand this.

$77.99 AirCore Adjustable Pillow

Do you miss your Air Jordans?
Do you want to just pump it up sometimes and you don't know how, and also you really don't want to sit up or even leave bed?
Your pillow has arrived.

$449 Roman Spa Master's Chair

Let's take it back outside now for a clASSy seat.
This looks like a broken marble column, but NO!!!
It's actually a shitty plastic thing you bought for more than four hundred dollars!
And what's with the butt indentation?
Is that supposed to imply that your "Master" ass has worn the stone down over the years because you have bun of corundum?

$49.95 Vintage Metal Fire Hydrant Statue

Here's a fun trick to play when your house is on fire: you watch the firefighters struggle to turn the valves on your fake goddamn hydrant ornament as your house burns down and you just laugh and laugh.
Also, DOG STATUE NOT INCLUDED.
Why else would this even be remotely appealing?

$19.99 Bed Made EZ

You know what I hate? Using my hands directly. That is like, so working class.
I would rather hold a tool. A tool to shove sheets under the mattress. I think that instead of just pushing them under there, I would like to try to find a piece of blue plastic and then insert it and make the whole process take longer and be a little more complicated.
And now I can, for under $20. Plus Shipping.

 

$44.95 Squirrel Throw

Sometimes I think my couch looks too comfortable and inviting. What I really want on there is a blanket that looks like a teeming mass of rabid squirrels. 

No one else is going to want to snuggle with a roiling, hanta virus laden tree rats, so the couch will be all mine.

$44.99 Superman one piece pajamas

Have you ever wondered how you could look more like a sad blueberry with a body made of mashed potatoes?

Have you ever wished for enough space for you to drop a load or 40 in your unitard?

Prayers answered.

 $39.95 Faux Tattoo Men's Tee

Don't worry, Men! Got you covered too.
Pop this bad boy on and I promise she will think you are Adam Levine for the night. Works especially well for non-caucasians.
Who would suspect that the chest hair, the super realistic leather vest, and the amazing ink are all....part of an airbrushed tee shirt?!

But what will you wear that with?? One tee vest tattoo sleeve shirt does not an outfit make.

$19.95 Faux Workpant Lounge Wear

The best thing about this is that it is pretending to be sweatpants with a toolbelt, as if that is such a hard and onerous look to aspire to.
Jeans can be tight and uncomfortable, so pajama jeans, I get it.
That dumbass shirt above I get; who wants to buy that vest or get those tatts for real?
But this?
I am wearing sweatpants with a fake toolbelt so you don't know I am wearing... sweatpants!
The deceit! The effort! Why?

Let's close with something I actually want:

$10,000 Serenity Pod Bed

I'll take the whole room, take beach poster and all.

"Pamper yourself like never before with this functional work of art.

Float away on a cloud like bed into a bliss state with calming color changing light, relaxing music and soothing vibration. This SkyMall exclusive is created by the pod designer of Men in Black III and inventor of the original pod bed. Each pod is handcrafted in the USA from fiberglass into a seamless smooth monolithic piece with a shiny gel-coat surface, the pod's elliptical exterior blocks 90% of outside noise while it's interior two foci amplify sound inside. Using the latest technology and clinical research, the wireless sound system with plenty of bass will gently rock you to sleep with vibration. The LEDs change colors with a touch of a finger wirelessly form an app on your smartphone or tablet. Easily select your color or scene from an endless array of lighting customizations to create your own unique experience.

Features:

• Inside the pod's elliptical opening is a 76 in. diam.
• Round soft plush cotton topper on top of a memory foam mattress
• Finish: Shiny polished gel coat (exterior). Matte gel coat (interior)
• Color: white (interior & exterior)
• Round and organic bedding: sheets, duvets and protectors
• 78 in. Diam. x 34 in. H. (200 lbs.)
• Handcrafted monolithic fiberglass
• LED lighting system smartphone/tablet"

What I ended up wearing to that 1920s party

Here we are!

BTW, E's mustache is real.
He had a bunch of scruff and then shaved it all down except for the stache.
Then he kept trying to kiss me but I was good at running away.
He said he was going to keep it until I came back from my next business trip, but in the morning he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and it was gone.

Anyway, I ended up finding this tiered lace shift at H&M for under $40.

I bought it in the biggest size they had so it would be a loose, short dress on me.
If I had gotten it in my size, it would have been scandalously too short to be a dress. But I guess they classify it as a dress on their site.
When I was at H&M I also saw an awesome drop waist green maxi dress on it with a digital photo print of an archway. It would have been great too.

I paired it with a fascinator I made out of feathers a few years ago when they were first popular, and white lace tights.
I had 3 long necklaces: pearls, green beads, and clear beads, and I wore all of them to add to the flapper look.
I also wore a loose fringed green paisley open cardigan that I got at the LN sale 2 years ago and haven't worn much.

You can't see my shoes, but I googled what women were wearing in the 1920s and it looked like high heeled mary janes and lace up ankle boots with heels and heeled spectators. I had heels that came close to looking like mary janes so I wore those.

I think the best part is the makeup, which I spent some time on.
I followed this youtube tutorial and put eyeliner and eyeshadow up to the insides of my eyebrows, and did the bow lip too.

1920s party outfit from Asos

So I already looked and found some stuff on Etsy, but of course I forgot to actually order anything, and now I still need an outfit.
Maybe Asos will save me?

DRESSES



$211.94 Frill and Frock deco Sequin shift dress
I love the scallops and the embellishments on this dress, but it's kind of pricey.





$69.52 TFNC sequin scallop dress
This price is a lot better!
But the shape is more modern and less drop-waist, and the skirt looks super short.
It's also available in turquoise or coral for more money.



$77.15 Warehouse Deco dress
This dress has the embellishments and the looseness but not quite the right shape or pattern. It's a good modern update though, and one I would wear again after this party.

$47.47 Pretty Vacant drop waist scallop collar dress
This one has the drop waist thing going on but looks a little too modern I think





$214.46 Ted Baker flapper dress
The scallops and length are good, but I can't tell if it would look better or worse on me than the model, who I don't think looks very good in it.


$124.63 Lydia Bright Shift Deco dress
This dress has great scalloped design done in small faux pearls and has a great scoop neck and good length. I wish it were under $100 and I would snap it up!


$64.01 Deco embellished black dress
For the plus sized woman who likes the deco style dresses.


TOPS



$64.64 Warehouse deco top
I love the sheerness of this, and the lines and glitz are perfectly deco.



$58.19 Art deco sequin top
Sleeveless and drapey with silver beads that look like long liquid panels




$66.50 Lipsy sequin deco top
Light pink chiffon with embroidered and sequined deco lines



$45.56 Lipsy sheer deco top
This one is a little slutty as shown, but I bet it would be nice with a plain black scoop tank under it.



$74.81 Lipsy embellished tee top
Some more arm coverage for non-shoulder baring ladies.


ACCESSORIES




$24.95 Flapper headband
How awesome is this? Love it! Looks great with bangs, which I don't have.
There is also one with a flower shape in the middle.



$9.95 crown disc headband
Very Nicole Richie, no?



$24.94 Swinging chandelier earrings
These are actually huge in real life, but the chain and starburst look Deco-y to me



$16.63 Lion stone cocktail ring
A perfect giant cocktail ring to top off the outfit.

Learn about rabbit anatomy from Oriental Trading

Ok, class. Easter is coming up so let's go around and say our favorite thing about bunnies ....

 "How soft they are!"
 "Their little tails!"
 "How they hop!"
"The rectangle of pink on their bellies!"
 "How they have one head on top of another head!"
 "Their weird extra wrist pillows!"
"How saggy their pants are at their ankles!"
"The weird floating out of scale carrot on their midsections!"
"Their black dress shoes!"

$80 Bunny costume for adults

 Invaluable teaching tool.

Valentines Day from the Drugstore and Supermarket

OH CRAP! It's valentine's day.
Did you prepare?
Me neither.

The best thing to do at this point is give up on reservations and fancy gifts and get a plan in place.
On your way home tonight, you will make one or two stops at the grocery store and at the drug store.

Dinner
SUPERMARKET:
A special dinner doesn't have to be out. Make a picnic on your floor with a fancy cheese plate.

Here is what you need:
3 cheeses (one soft like goat or brie, one medium like cheddar or gouda, and one hard like gruyere or parmesan or asiago)
2 kinds of crackers (a table water cracker like Carrs and a more substantial one with seeds or nuts in it)
Dried fruit like apricots, dates, cranberries
Nuts like almonds or walnuts or pistachios

Arrange these all on the biggest plate you have, or a wooden cutting board and you will be good to go.

Now on to the Gifts:
Go to the drug store.
1. DO NOT BUY the heart shaped box of chocolates. They are cheap and gross.


NOOOOO!

2. DO NOT BUY the stupid teddy bear. It is tacky and thoughtless.

DON'T DO IT !

3. DO BUY a card and make sure it isn't for a grandparent or a christening.

4. DO BUY your date's favorite candy bar. Actually, buy 5. This is way more thoughtful than a red box of shitty chocolates they won't like.


If you don't know their favorite, buy a sampler of your favorites. Worst case scenario, they won't like one and you get to eat it. Score!

5. DO BUY a spool of red ribbon and wrap those candy bars up together.

6. DO BUY a pretty lotion or lipstick or nail polish if she likes makeup. Or shaving cream in a nice bottle if he shaves. Make sure you DO NOT BUY anything like acne lotion. Even if he or she is a total pizza-face. It's not the time to suggest self-improvements.


7. That's it!
Now you have a cute picnic and a nice little gift and card.

GOOD PLANNING
see you next year.