Tuesday, October 21, 2014

SkyMall strikes again

It's been a while!
I've been traveling for work, and luckily for you that means I have had plenty of time to check out SkyMall for all the latest must-haves.
Remember, the holidays are coming up and there is no better place to purchase items for your loved ones than on a plane when you are bored and half drunk.

Let's see what special items there are for us:

"Get one of these shrub covers and end your struggling with ugly burlap or plastic bags!"
Who is this product for?
Who would buy a pillowcase for a bush?
Who would buy one in several sizes?
Who would make sure to buy one that has a leaf print so you know that hey, under there, that's a bush!!
I don't understand this.

Do you miss your Air Jordans?
Do you want to just pump it up sometimes and you don't know how, and also you really don't want to sit up or even leave bed?
Your pillow has arrived.

Let's take it back outside now for a clASSy seat.
This looks like a broken marble column, but NO!!!
It's actually a shitty plastic thing you bought for more than four hundred dollars!
And what's with the butt indentation?
Is that supposed to imply that your "Master" ass has worn the stone down over the years because you have bun of corundum?

Here's a fun trick to play when your house is on fire: you watch the firefighters struggle to turn the valves on your fake goddamn hydrant ornament as your house burns down and you just laugh and laugh.
Why else would this even be remotely appealing?

You know what I hate? Using my hands directly. That is like, so working class.
I would rather hold a tool. A tool to shove sheets under the mattress. I think that instead of just pushing them under there, I would like to try to find a piece of blue plastic and then insert it and make the whole process take longer and be a little more complicated.
And now I can, for under $20. Plus Shipping.

Sometimes I think my couch looks too comfortable and inviting. What I really want on there is a blanket that looks like a teeming mass of rabid squirrels. 
No one else is going to want to snuggle with a roiling, hanta virus laden tree rats, so the couch will be all mine.

Have you ever wondered how you could look more like a sad blueberry with a body made of mashed potatoes?
Have you ever wished for enough space for you to drop a load or 40 in your unitard?
Prayers answered.

Don't worry, Men! Got you covered too.
Pop this bad boy on and I promise she will think you are Adam Levine for the night. Works especially well for non-caucasians.
Who would suspect that the chest hair, the super realistic leather vest, and the amazing ink are all....part of an airbrushed tee shirt?!

But what will you wear that with?? One tee vest tattoo sleeve shirt does not an outfit make.

The best thing about this is that it is pretending to be sweatpants with a toolbelt, as if that is such a hard and onerous look to aspire to.
Jeans can be tight and uncomfortable, so pajama jeans, I get it.
That dumbass shirt above I get; who wants to buy that vest or get those tatts for real?
But this?
I am wearing sweatpants with a fake toolbelt so you don't know I am wearing... sweatpants!
The deceit! The effort! Why?

Let's close with something I actually want:

I'll take the whole room, take beach poster and all.

"Pamper yourself like never before with this functional work of art.

Float away on a cloud like bed into a bliss state with calming color changing light, relaxing music and soothing vibration. This SkyMall exclusive is created by the pod designer of Men in Black III and inventor of the original pod bed. Each pod is handcrafted in the USA from fiberglass into a seamless smooth monolithic piece with a shiny gel-coat surface, the pod's elliptical exterior blocks 90% of outside noise while it's interior two foci amplify sound inside. Using the latest technology and clinical research, the wireless sound system with plenty of bass will gently rock you to sleep with vibration. The LEDs change colors with a touch of a finger wirelessly form an app on your smartphone or tablet. Easily select your color or scene from an endless array of lighting customizations to create your own unique experience.

  • Inside the pod's elliptical opening is a 76 in. diam.
  • Round soft plush cotton topper on top of a memory foam mattress
  • Finish: Shiny polished gel coat (exterior). Matte gel coat (interior)
  • Color: white (interior & exterior)
  • Round and organic bedding: sheets, duvets and protectors
  • 78 in. Diam. x 34 in. H. (200 lbs.)
  • Handcrafted monolithic fiberglass
  • LED lighting system smartphone/tablet"

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