SkyMall strikes again

It's been a while!
I've been traveling for work, and luckily for you that means I have had plenty of time to check out SkyMall for all the latest must-haves.
Remember, the holidays are coming up and there is no better place to purchase items for your loved ones than on a plane when you are bored and half drunk.

Let's see what special items there are for us:

$19.99 Shrub Guard

"Get one of these shrub covers and end your struggling with ugly burlap or plastic bags!"

 WHO DOES THIS
Who is this product for?
Who would buy a pillowcase for a bush?
Who would buy one in several sizes?
Who would make sure to buy one that has a leaf print so you know that hey, under there, that's a bush!!
I don't understand this.

$77.99 AirCore Adjustable Pillow

Do you miss your Air Jordans?
Do you want to just pump it up sometimes and you don't know how, and also you really don't want to sit up or even leave bed?
Your pillow has arrived.

$449 Roman Spa Master's Chair

Let's take it back outside now for a clASSy seat.
This looks like a broken marble column, but NO!!!
It's actually a shitty plastic thing you bought for more than four hundred dollars!
And what's with the butt indentation?
Is that supposed to imply that your "Master" ass has worn the stone down over the years because you have bun of corundum?

$49.95 Vintage Metal Fire Hydrant Statue

Here's a fun trick to play when your house is on fire: you watch the firefighters struggle to turn the valves on your fake goddamn hydrant ornament as your house burns down and you just laugh and laugh.
Also, DOG STATUE NOT INCLUDED.
Why else would this even be remotely appealing?

$19.99 Bed Made EZ

You know what I hate? Using my hands directly. That is like, so working class.
I would rather hold a tool. A tool to shove sheets under the mattress. I think that instead of just pushing them under there, I would like to try to find a piece of blue plastic and then insert it and make the whole process take longer and be a little more complicated.
And now I can, for under $20. Plus Shipping.

 

$44.95 Squirrel Throw

Sometimes I think my couch looks too comfortable and inviting. What I really want on there is a blanket that looks like a teeming mass of rabid squirrels. 

No one else is going to want to snuggle with a roiling, hanta virus laden tree rats, so the couch will be all mine.

$44.99 Superman one piece pajamas

Have you ever wondered how you could look more like a sad blueberry with a body made of mashed potatoes?

Have you ever wished for enough space for you to drop a load or 40 in your unitard?

Prayers answered.

 $39.95 Faux Tattoo Men's Tee

Don't worry, Men! Got you covered too.
Pop this bad boy on and I promise she will think you are Adam Levine for the night. Works especially well for non-caucasians.
Who would suspect that the chest hair, the super realistic leather vest, and the amazing ink are all....part of an airbrushed tee shirt?!

But what will you wear that with?? One tee vest tattoo sleeve shirt does not an outfit make.

$19.95 Faux Workpant Lounge Wear

The best thing about this is that it is pretending to be sweatpants with a toolbelt, as if that is such a hard and onerous look to aspire to.
Jeans can be tight and uncomfortable, so pajama jeans, I get it.
That dumbass shirt above I get; who wants to buy that vest or get those tatts for real?
But this?
I am wearing sweatpants with a fake toolbelt so you don't know I am wearing... sweatpants!
The deceit! The effort! Why?

Let's close with something I actually want:

$10,000 Serenity Pod Bed

I'll take the whole room, take beach poster and all.

"Pamper yourself like never before with this functional work of art.

Float away on a cloud like bed into a bliss state with calming color changing light, relaxing music and soothing vibration. This SkyMall exclusive is created by the pod designer of Men in Black III and inventor of the original pod bed. Each pod is handcrafted in the USA from fiberglass into a seamless smooth monolithic piece with a shiny gel-coat surface, the pod's elliptical exterior blocks 90% of outside noise while it's interior two foci amplify sound inside. Using the latest technology and clinical research, the wireless sound system with plenty of bass will gently rock you to sleep with vibration. The LEDs change colors with a touch of a finger wirelessly form an app on your smartphone or tablet. Easily select your color or scene from an endless array of lighting customizations to create your own unique experience.

Features:

• Inside the pod's elliptical opening is a 76 in. diam.
• Round soft plush cotton topper on top of a memory foam mattress
• Finish: Shiny polished gel coat (exterior). Matte gel coat (interior)
• Color: white (interior & exterior)
• Round and organic bedding: sheets, duvets and protectors
• 78 in. Diam. x 34 in. H. (200 lbs.)
• Handcrafted monolithic fiberglass
• LED lighting system smartphone/tablet"

Tree magnets

$10 Forest for your fridge

How cute are these little magnets?
They are made of exotic wood slices and little fake trees.
I think they would make a great hostess gift if someone has you over for a nice dinner party, or just a good any time gift to give me for existing.

You can get the trees in dark or light green, I like the dark better. More realistic and such.
I especially like the ones with layers of different wood. The description says the woods will vary but I hope they put at least one of those cool layered ones in each box of 3.

Signs that I am gardening too much...

I've been on all sorts of gardening and plant websites recently, hoping that the huge amount of rain we've been getting will lead to spectacular growth for my plants and seedlings. 
And I have come across something I had no idea existed. 

BEHOLD, THE MELON CRADLE! 

$10 for 6 melon cradles

Yeah, it's a piece of plastic that you can put your melon on as it grows to protect the bottom from the ground.

I love my plants, but I am not sure I would buy bras for them.

Supposedly, they help keep the melon from rotting or, god forbid, being kinda flat on one side like the head of a baby who only sleeps on its back.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA:
Melon cradles but for your "melon up top," aka your head.
Pitch: Do you deform your child's skull and have him look weird in profile photos just to keep him from suffocating while sleeping? Well now you can not kill your kid AND have his head look nice and round with Rebecca's patented Baby Melon Cradle.

Who is underwriting my new business?
Thank you.

The new plant I am obsessed with: Aeonium "zwartkop" aka Black Rose

As many of you know, I've become totally into succulents recently.
I've been propagating my own from leaves, and buying them at little plant stores at an alarming rate.
Our dining room table is almost fully covered with plant experiments of mine.

BUT! I am not done. I want another!
When I first saw the aeonium arboreum zwartkop in person, I thought it must be dyed because it was so dark.
Also the stem is so thick and the roots are so tiny and dinky that I still don't understand how it lives.

It has really dark purple, almost black leaves on a thick woody stem. The leaves form rosettes that look like flowers but they aren't! In effect, it looks like it is always blooming weird dark flowers on bare stems. Very goth.
There are yellow flowers that do appear and make the plant look even more bizarre to me.

I can't seem to find one in my local plant stores, though I am sure if I went back to the flower district on 28th st and 6th ave I could find one.
So I took to the internet and it seems like Etsy and Ebay are the places to buy. Unfortunately, there really isn't much selection on Amazon which sucks because I love Amazon and I get to shop free there with my AmEx points.

Here are some listings I have been looking at:

 

$5 + $6 shipping

Etsy option that looks more purple than black but it seems healthy. You get a rooted plant.

$7 +$6 Shipping

A blacker, more rose-like version that I really like. It might be my favorite. You get a rooted cutting.

$29 + $10 Shipping

This guy on Etsy has a bunch of plants and can customize your order, it seems. I am tempted by these larger plants with well established roots.

 

$2.50 + $6 shipping from FL

This one is from Ebay and looks like the pot comes with a 3" plant. I am not sure if that means it is a cutting or if it is rooted.

$9 + $7 shipping from San Diego

Another Ebay option, and you get a 6" stem cutting from this plant that is not rooted.

 

$14 + $12 Shipping

Finally, this group from Amazon includes 4 plants in little pots. Cute!

Separately, I also love this weirdo plant:

$8.50 + $6 Shipping

These look like little birds in a nest opening their mouths, don't they?

Pretty apartment plants that also smell pretty?

Remember when I talked before about houseplants?

I am still obsessing over them.

For our wedding, I took apart all my aloe plants and babies and repotted each in its own container. We gave them to our guests to take home as gifts, and I was happy to see them going to good homes. The events director at the place we got married was skeptical, btw. He said that he liked the idea but that usually no one takes them and that he would collect them for us at the end of the night so we could bring the leftovers home.

(Here they are, all lined up to go)


In his face, though! Bam. My friends (even the ones who were taking planes home!) took all the plants :)
One was left at brunch, probably by accident, but none were unwanted.

Anyway, now I just have the big mama aloe plant and that one forgotten baby. And I am used to having so many more!

We live close to the Union Square farmer's market, and I love walking through there and looking at all the plants. It is hard not to come home with any.
So far I've bought a mint, a rosemary, and a string of pearls (so cute).
I am glad to finally have my string of pearls plant, I've been wanting one for too long. I hope it grows quickly and makes tons of new strands!

Here is what a grown up one looks like:

Mine is still a little baby and its strings aren't hanging over the edges of the small pot I bought it in yet.
It looks more like this:


I still have my fuzzy purple friend Gynura Aurantiaca, called purple passion or purple velvet.
That looks like this:


or at least it used to. Now it looks much more vine-like and stringy and woody. It still has fuzzy purple leaves, but they are few and far between.
I was just reading about them and it is because they need to be cut way back in the winter and the cuttings can be replanted as new vines.
I cut the longest vine just above where a leaf was, and shoved the cut end of the loose part back into the soil. I am hoping it propagates like that and I don't have to do anything else for it. I have tried that once before with this plant and it worked. I guess I just have to be more aggressive about cutting and re-rooting it.

I also have a christmas cactus and a snake plant and a zz plant.
But I want moooooooorrrrrre.

Especially now that I have a balcony!
I am looking for fragrant plants that can make my apartment smell pretty. And flowers! I don't have anything that regularly makes flowers (I guess except the xmas cactus).

A lavender plant would be nice:

$8.95 Lavender 4"
Very fragrant with silvery purple flowers


$14.95 Chinese perfume plant (Aglaia odorata)
This plant has little yellow flowers that bloom on and off all year and are supposed to smell great. I am not sure how it would be indoors- it is meant to be in a very warm Florida-like places, but maybe in a very sunny window it could work. Also it grows to 3-4 feet tall so that might be a very tall house plant soon!



$14.95 Collection of Maypop Passionfruit plants
You get a 2.5" pot of the rare white ones and a 4" pot of the purple one. They produce fragrant flowers and fruit and the purple one can withstand colder temperatures. I might want to buy a more mature one that I know I won't kill as easily.


$18.95 Corkscrew flower (vigna caracalla)
I've never seen this before! Isn't it cool?
It is a climbing vine and the flowers bloom late summer to early fall, perfect right now, and are supposed to smell good and look like snails.


$10.95 Cinnamon scented wax plant (hoya lacunosa)
This plant grows in a hanging basket and releases scent at night. Wouldn't it be nice to come home to a cinnamonny house? The site says it is an easy grower and likes to be neglected, so it might be perfect for my friend Alex who is great at neglecting plants.


$12.95 Willow-leaf Acacia (acacia retinodes)
This acacia grows up to 8 feet tall in a container and when it hits 4 feet tall, it starts flowering these yellow fragrant puffballs. Cute!


$18.95 Night blooming Mark Twain cereus (epiphyllum oxypetalum)
These plants have large flowers that bloom after the sun sets.
The species was found at Mark Twain's house in Hartford, CT.


$39.95 Candy Stripe Plumeria (plumeria rubra)
So pretty! They look like they are painted. These would die outside in NYC but maybe I could keep them alive by bringing them inside in the winter?


$8.95 Winter Jasmine
Speaking of winter, this one blooms in fall and winter which sounds great to me! That is just when you need flowers the most. It likes to live in containers or baskets in sunny cool windows (so not on your radiator).

(Lavandula x intermedia)

This is the famed azure blossomed lavender developed in the perfume fields of southern France and cherished for its intense scent and floriferous grayish-silver spikes.

Hardy to Zone 5 and higher for outdoors.

Full sun, grows to 12-20" in container, minimum temperature indoors 35°, blooms in spring.

Fragrant! - See more at: http://www.logees.com/Lavender-Provence/productinfo/H8063%2D4/#sthash.zC9rYwZp.dpuf

This is the famed azure blossomed lavender developed in the perfume fields of southern France and cherished for its intense scent and floriferous grayish-silver spikes.

Hardy to Zone 5 and higher for outdoors.

Full sun, grows to 12-20" in container, minimum temperature indoors 35°, blooms in spring.

Fragrant! - See more at: http://www.logees.com/Lavender-Provence/productinfo/H8063%2D4/#sthash.zC9rYwZp.dpuf

This is the famed azure blossomed lavender developed in the perfume fields of southern France and cherished for its intense scent and floriferous grayish-silver spikes.

Hardy to Zone 5 and higher for outdoors.

Full sun, grows to 12-20" in container, minimum temperature indoors 35°, blooms in spring.

Fragrant! - See more at: http://www.logees.com/Lavender-Provence/productinfo/H8063%2D4/#sthash.zC9rYwZp.dpuf"

Bathmat made of live moss

I wonder if the little pieces of moss come off on your feet, but I love the idea of walking on moss and having plants make use of the extra water and humidity in the bathroom:



$103 Moss bathmat Larosee (79.90 euro)

"Imagine getting out of your bath or shower and delicately setting foot on a moss rug. Now imagine the water running down your legs and watering that unique carpet. There is an obvious natural cycle there: the rug “Larosée” collects the water while you enjoy a soft contact with this flora, which is reputed for its ideal massage of the acupuncture points situated on the sole of the foot.
“Larosée” is an ecologic and live rug: the moss composing it evolves through time on a base made of recycled latex. The moss likes shadow and humidity and stays green throughout several months. The air cells (moss) form (of the) a carpet which shape and color might vary (depending under which tree they have been collected). The edges are shaped like a wave in order to allow several rugs to fit together to cover the surface you desire.
Beyond its original aesthetics “Larosée” is a subtle invitation to reflect on the importance of ecological challenges: water is a vital element which was thought to be an endless resource, free and pure, but nowadays everyone is aware that access to water, its quality and a moderate consumption are among the key challenges of the future."

A more zoomed-out view:





The designer, Nguyen La Chanh, says she picked hardy moss species that can deal with being stepped on, but that this wouldn't be a bathmat that would last a year.
You can buy replacement moss chunks, though.

Pretty Houseplants galore!

I love plants.
In my old office, I had about 11 on  my desk, as I was trying to create a jungle enclosure for myself.
Now I have all my plants at home and they have to be separated between the ones that can live with the cats and the ones that are cat poisonous and have to live in the bedroom or home office.

My most populous plant is my aloe. 
An internet friend had an aloe plant that had babies and was sending babies in the mail to anyone who wanted them.
I wanted one!
What I didn't realize at the time was that it was the most promiscuous plant EVER.
I repotted some babies and gave away 8-10 babies in the summer and I have more than 20 more to re-pot or get rid of now already.
There is one pot I really need to clean out.
The plants are busting out all over and I count at least 11 of them.

Aside from my many slutty aloes, I have a zz plant, a fuzzy purple climber whose name I don't know, a spider plant, a christmas cactus, a little moss terrarium, and a plant that looks like a mini tree that I think I got from Kmart.

But of course, I want more!
I want a million plants.
I especially could use some more flowering plants. When my christmas cactus flowers, I am so happy.

Someone on another site recommended Logee's for buying plants, and it looks like a great site.
Browsing through what they have, here are the ones I would pick as indoor plants:




$8.95 Rosary Vine
"Perfect for hanging baskets and capable of handling periods of neglect, this summer bloomer is a great conversation piece for any sunlit window. Small, succulent, heart-shaped leaves accented by white veining shower over the sides of a pot in long chains. Small, mahogany-and-gray flowers add drama to this reliable and time-tested houseplant. "



$7.95 Bead plant
I've wanted one of these for a long time! They are so pretty and look like necklaces.
"Here’s an easy-to-grow succulent with round, fleshy leaves from which its common names, Bead Plant or String of Pearls, are derived. Unique in its form, yet tolerant of extremes in dryness, the draping basket of green beads lights up any room with greenery and plant life.  When it blooms, the Bead Plant has small white flowers that smell like cinnamon. This South African native is nearly indestructible when grown in full-to-partial sun. "


$10.95 Variegated Hindu Rope
"A wonderful companion to any indoor collection of low-to-moderate-light plants. The curled and twisted leaves are dappled in white, pink and green as they hug the trailing stems. Clusters of light-pink flowers arise from spring to fall, carrying a delicious mock-scent. Easily grown, it's perfect for hanging pots." 



$12.95 Blue Monstrosity cactus
Aww, you're not a monster to me, lumpy guy!
"Thought to be a freak of nature, or a natural mutation, Blue Monstrosity Cactus is a slow-growing, compact plant whose knobby growth has a bluish tint and very few fine hairs. This rare and unusual specimen grows 6” tall x 6” wide in containers. During the active growing season, water the soil only when dry. During the winter months, water very sparingly. Grow in full to partial sun in a well-drained cactus soil."


$11.95 Lithops
These are great because not only do they look like rocks, they also look like butts.
"A great gift for the young and inquisitive, these South African succulents look like beautifully marked pebbles. Living Stones can grow in a sunny window and remain contained in a limited space for years with little, if any, effort. Best yet, they need water only once or twice a month, a task even the smallest child can accomplish. An excellent gift for the beginning gardener! Shipped in a clay pot. "

$12.95 Climbing Rock plant
Another one that looks like a rock! At least on the bottom.
"Resilient in nature and forgiving to neglect, this caudiciform from Southeast Asia develops into a stunning specimen and with a little pruning is contained enough for the windowsill garden. As the caudex matures, it develops furrows and an undulating structure with the vining stems and heart shaped leaves emerging from the crown. If allowed to ramble, it will climb any nearby structure often with great vigor but it can be restrained by judicious pruning. Under dry cool conditions, it can be deciduous in the winter although when grown in warm temperatures, it remains evergreen. A most interesting tropical container plant for those who enjoy the unusual. "


$24.95 Twin-flower Agave
It looks like a pom-pom!
You only get flowers after 10 years, by which point I am sure you will have killed it, so lets just forget the name and focus on the plant looking like this.
"Creating a lovely rosette of narrow, dark green, flexible and spineless leaves and a full mounding habit, Agave geminiflora is a rare, slow-growing succulent that develops an attractive trunk with age (as shown in the photo). Geminiflora literally means “twin flowers” and when it’s fully mature (10-15 years) a tall flower spike emerges from the center of the rosette with yellow flowers appearing in pairs along the inflorescence. Grow in full to partial sun .Although drought tolerant, some supplemental summer watering is required. Agave geminiflora makes an attractive container plant. "



$14.95 Elephant Ear Stingray
What a cool name!
"Resembling an aquatic stingray with a long pointed tail, this new and unusual alocasia adds a touch of the exotic to your garden or patio. The large, round green leaves have a long, thin green tail at the terminal end of each leaf. This unusual alocasia mutation is fast growing and can reach 5-6’ tall. Prefers a partially shady location with moist, fertile soil. "



$9.95 Starfish flower cactus
So cute! It's nice when you can have a small plant and it still flowers.
"A miniature version of the larger Stapelias, its small slender stems are no more than 3" in height. Throughout the year, scitula is adorned with 1" reddish star-shaped blooms, each the size of a quarter. Free-blooming and at times prolific, this is the perfect plant for a sunny dry windowsill, especially where room is limited. Forgetful watering is a plus, as it needs some dryness between waterings to flourish. Note: plants are seed-grown creating some slight variation in color. "

DIY succulent plant table

This table has a plant bed built in, doesn't it look awesome?

You can make one too, if you have power tools and stuff.

Read the tutorial here.

Window Farming

Have you heard of this?
City dwellers like me can maximize their sun exposure and grow veggies in a vertical hydroponic system in their windows.

You can buy a kit or make it yourself with DIY instructions; Windowfarms.org has options for either.
The ones you can buy from them are nice looking but wayyyy expensive in my opinion. One column is $120 and 4 columns are $350.

$119.95 One vertical column window farm kit

OR

You can make your own with plastic bottles and some instructions for a hanging window farm. Those instructions are split into a ton of pages and I don't love them.

These instructions about how to create a standing window farm are a little easier to read and follow.

Both versions require a pump, which for me is the level of DIY I do not cross (electricity? no thanks), but I hope some of you make these!

DIY Rock Key Hider

Here's a smart way to hide a spare key:

You glue a rock to a pill bottle, put the key in the bottle, and hide it in your planter or garden so only the rock shows.
Better than "under the welcome mat" right?
And it's also cool if you have guests and you tell them "pull up the green rock in the garden."