Things I think I need but I don't

Whenever I go shopping, especially when I am at a sample sale, I have to remind myself what I actually already have.

I was just at the APC Surplus sale, and they had some cute warm tights that were 70% off their original $90 tag, making them $27. I thought that was a pretty good deal and had them in hand and ready to go, but then I remembered: Hey Rebecca, you have a shit ton of tights and you really don't need any more.

Here is a short list of things I keep thinking I need when I see them, but I for sure don't:

• Tights
• Black ankle boots
• Cross-body purse
• Layering tank tops
• Jeans, especially skinny jeans
• Workout tops for warm weather

Are there things that you are always tempted to buy and then end up with lots of? 

Things that I should actually be looking for when I go shopping:

• Tunics
• Maternity dresses
• Maternity sweater, hoodie or sweatshirt
• Warm socks
• Long skirts

SkyMall strikes again

It's been a while!
I've been traveling for work, and luckily for you that means I have had plenty of time to check out SkyMall for all the latest must-haves.
Remember, the holidays are coming up and there is no better place to purchase items for your loved ones than on a plane when you are bored and half drunk.

Let's see what special items there are for us:

$19.99 Shrub Guard

"Get one of these shrub covers and end your struggling with ugly burlap or plastic bags!"

 WHO DOES THIS
Who is this product for?
Who would buy a pillowcase for a bush?
Who would buy one in several sizes?
Who would make sure to buy one that has a leaf print so you know that hey, under there, that's a bush!!
I don't understand this.

$77.99 AirCore Adjustable Pillow

Do you miss your Air Jordans?
Do you want to just pump it up sometimes and you don't know how, and also you really don't want to sit up or even leave bed?
Your pillow has arrived.

$449 Roman Spa Master's Chair

Let's take it back outside now for a clASSy seat.
This looks like a broken marble column, but NO!!!
It's actually a shitty plastic thing you bought for more than four hundred dollars!
And what's with the butt indentation?
Is that supposed to imply that your "Master" ass has worn the stone down over the years because you have bun of corundum?

$49.95 Vintage Metal Fire Hydrant Statue

Here's a fun trick to play when your house is on fire: you watch the firefighters struggle to turn the valves on your fake goddamn hydrant ornament as your house burns down and you just laugh and laugh.
Also, DOG STATUE NOT INCLUDED.
Why else would this even be remotely appealing?

$19.99 Bed Made EZ

You know what I hate? Using my hands directly. That is like, so working class.
I would rather hold a tool. A tool to shove sheets under the mattress. I think that instead of just pushing them under there, I would like to try to find a piece of blue plastic and then insert it and make the whole process take longer and be a little more complicated.
And now I can, for under $20. Plus Shipping.

 

$44.95 Squirrel Throw

Sometimes I think my couch looks too comfortable and inviting. What I really want on there is a blanket that looks like a teeming mass of rabid squirrels. 

No one else is going to want to snuggle with a roiling, hanta virus laden tree rats, so the couch will be all mine.

$44.99 Superman one piece pajamas

Have you ever wondered how you could look more like a sad blueberry with a body made of mashed potatoes?

Have you ever wished for enough space for you to drop a load or 40 in your unitard?

Prayers answered.

 $39.95 Faux Tattoo Men's Tee

Don't worry, Men! Got you covered too.
Pop this bad boy on and I promise she will think you are Adam Levine for the night. Works especially well for non-caucasians.
Who would suspect that the chest hair, the super realistic leather vest, and the amazing ink are all....part of an airbrushed tee shirt?!

But what will you wear that with?? One tee vest tattoo sleeve shirt does not an outfit make.

$19.95 Faux Workpant Lounge Wear

The best thing about this is that it is pretending to be sweatpants with a toolbelt, as if that is such a hard and onerous look to aspire to.
Jeans can be tight and uncomfortable, so pajama jeans, I get it.
That dumbass shirt above I get; who wants to buy that vest or get those tatts for real?
But this?
I am wearing sweatpants with a fake toolbelt so you don't know I am wearing... sweatpants!
The deceit! The effort! Why?

Let's close with something I actually want:

$10,000 Serenity Pod Bed

I'll take the whole room, take beach poster and all.

"Pamper yourself like never before with this functional work of art.

Float away on a cloud like bed into a bliss state with calming color changing light, relaxing music and soothing vibration. This SkyMall exclusive is created by the pod designer of Men in Black III and inventor of the original pod bed. Each pod is handcrafted in the USA from fiberglass into a seamless smooth monolithic piece with a shiny gel-coat surface, the pod's elliptical exterior blocks 90% of outside noise while it's interior two foci amplify sound inside. Using the latest technology and clinical research, the wireless sound system with plenty of bass will gently rock you to sleep with vibration. The LEDs change colors with a touch of a finger wirelessly form an app on your smartphone or tablet. Easily select your color or scene from an endless array of lighting customizations to create your own unique experience.

Features:

• Inside the pod's elliptical opening is a 76 in. diam.
• Round soft plush cotton topper on top of a memory foam mattress
• Finish: Shiny polished gel coat (exterior). Matte gel coat (interior)
• Color: white (interior & exterior)
• Round and organic bedding: sheets, duvets and protectors
• 78 in. Diam. x 34 in. H. (200 lbs.)
• Handcrafted monolithic fiberglass
• LED lighting system smartphone/tablet"

Horrifying: Snails on your face on purpose

Thanks, Japan, for another disgusting beauty treatment that grosses me out beyond belief.

This time, it is a facial consisting of snails crawling all over you and leaving their slime on your skin.

BARF

Get ready, here is a picture:

Terrible. Oh but don't worry, the snails are organic. 

So the snail mucus is supposed to be a miracle ingredient that does....???
Apparently, it can "help skin retain moisture, reduce inflammation and remove dead skin."

The best quote of the article is this:

"This salon is the only place in Japan where you can try a live snail facial," said Yoko Minami, sales manager at Clinical Salon, the flagship outlet of Ci:z.Labo, a nationwide spa operator and affiliate of Japan's biggest medical cosmetics company.

The only place in Japan....As if there are so many places outside of Japan to get a live snail facial? Or as if there are so many people clamoring for snail snot that it's astounding that there is only one establishment to serve the hordes?

If you thought you only get the snails crawling on your face then you can get up and go, oh how wrong you are. Here is what comes next:

This is followed by a series of massages, masks and electrical pulse machines using creams infused with snail mucus to ensure that the live secretions fully penetrate the skin.

Creams infused with snail mucus is definitely not one of those PR phrases they teach you in school. I wonder why.

What does it feel like? Here is the most truthful quote of the entire article:

There is little in life more unsettling than spying the rearing tentacles of an approaching snail on your cheek out of the corner of your eye.

 I BET.


So, what would you pay for this treatment?
Or, what would you pay NOT to have to get this treatment?
Either way, it is about $244.
Save up.

Just my luck...

 these are sold out:


$6.66 Rabbit tail shorts

I guess that site doesn't know it's my birthday.
OR MAYBE they are sold out because all my friends bought them for me already and they are on their way to me.
Thanks, guys!!

One of the best features of these faux fur shorts is that they have an elastic waist (you thought I was going to say the tail, didn't you?).
That means you can never outgrow them!

But what to wear on top?
It is a hard item to match, for sure.
I think I've got it though:


$9.48 Rabbit print blouse

Business on top, party on the bottom! All rabbit all the time.
Because what matches rabbits? RABBITS.


PS- I would actually wear that shirt.

Review of Fergie for Wet n WIld nail polish

A friend of mine just gave me some of the new line that Fergie did for Wet n Wild, and I have to say I am not very impressed so far.

The first item I tried was the Hollywood Walk of Fame nail polish.
It is a clear polish with tons of star confetti in it. The stars are gold, silver, red, light blue, and light purple.
There are also some little strips of silver glitter as well.

$3.49 Fergie for Wet n Wild Hollywood Walk of Fame nail polish

I applied this polish over the light purple coat of Essie's French Affair that I was already wearing.
Application was ROUGH.
Most flakies and larger glitters can be uneven and difficult to apply, but this was worse than most.
I had a terrible time trying to get the stars off the brush (and out of the brush--the points embedded themselves into the hairs and a star would just get buried in the middle).
The clear polish matrix was an ok thickness, but I ended up having to put a ton of polish on in the attempts to get the stars on my nails.

The technique I use with this type of polish is to:

1. For the first few strokes, don't worry about the glitter, just get a good polish base on your nail so the glitter will adhere later
2. Isolate some stars and try to maneuver them to the tip or side of the brush
3. Place the star on the nail by gently touching it down and then lightly rolling the brush off of it

But the stars were really uncooperative and didn't like coming off the brush. I had to really work to get them onto my nail, and then once they were on I had to try to remove some of the gross pools of excess polish that were getting everywhere.

I did eventually get a star or two on each nail, but it was not a fun process.

On the plus side, the clear polish did dry more quickly than I was expecting it to.
Also, the colors of the stars are nice.

Now I've had the polish on for a day and the stars are already coming up at the points and flaking off.
My nails are unpleasant to touch because of the little pointy star tips sticking out.

 
In this picture you can see the points of some stars coming up.

I think the main problem with this nailpolish is that the stars are just too big. If they were smaller, maybe they could be covered better by polish and not stick out.
They might also be easier to get off the brush in the first place.

I'm so annoyed with this polish that it is going in my pile of giveaways.
I won't be using it again.

Verdict? DON'T BUY

Random things I don't own and don't want

I was thinking recently about all the random crap I own and that most people own, which made me want to get rid of everything.
But then I started thinking about the "normal" household items that I don't own and that started making me feel a little better. Especially because I've been seeing all this stuff on registry suggestion lists.

Note for all you very nice people who might be looking for gift ideas: I still don't want these things!

My life has been perfectly fine without:

A Rolling Pin
Who am I, a baker? Sometimes I bake and very rarely that baking involves rolling dough out, but it is really rare. And when I need to do it, I can just use a wine bottle.
I can't think of a situation where I have ever wished I had a rolling pin.



NO THANKS


An Iron
I make it a point to buy clothing that either doesn't need to be ironed after washing, or can be dry cleaned where they iron that shit for me.
I am not a washer woman from the middle ages. I don't have the time or energy to be hunching over a shirt trying to get it totally flat just so I can wear it and wrinkle the elbows in 5 seconds flat.

Sometimes I have been known to use my flatiron for straightening my hair on my shirt collars. It's just such a good shape to get those little spaces and you don't even have to take your shirt off.
NOTE: Don't do this. You'll probably burn yourself and it only slightly works.

I do have a steamer which does the job of an iron but even better since it also freshens your clothes with the hot steam. The smoothing and uncreasing functionality of a steamer isn't as good as an iron, but clearly I don't really care about that.



PASS

This also by the way means I don't have to have an ironing board. Space saver!



A Shovel
I live in NYC, why would I need a shovel? If only you could shovel away the scent of the sidewalks in the summer, then maybe I'd get a shovel.




NOPE


Napkin Rings
When I was young, I remember being frustrated at how napkin rings were almost the right size to be bracelets for my little wrists, but I couldn't quite get them on over my hand.
So, even then they were useless.
Cloth napkins are rare these days but we do have some. And guess what: they look just fine without rings on them. You can fold them next to a plate and it's ok.
You don't need to give the thing you wipe your germy mouth on any jewelery. Unless that's your wife. HEYYY-OHH


WHY


Gravy Boat
As a vegetarian, I am mostly lacking in things to both put gravy on and to make gravy from. I guess I could make a mushroom gravy and put it on.... other mushrooms?
I can't imagine anyone makes gravy frequently enough to need a special boat for it. A bowl is sufficient, people!


WOULD NOT USE



Ice Cream Scoop
Same idea as the gravy boat- a unitasker that does not apply to me. Ice cream should not be such a regular occasion that you need a giant clunky spoon just for getting at it.


YOU REALLY EAT THAT MUCH ICE CREAM?


I do have some things that other people might put in this list.
I finally broke down and got a pizza cutter when I realized that a lot of the places that deliver don't cut, and that I was making pizza from store-bought dough relatively often.

In general though, there are so many things people have and buy for each other that are really just not worth the space they take up.

Alumni gear on zulily

So these are pretty specific, and shockingly, there is no Bryn Mawr merch there (I know!), but if you want to display some team spirit you can get it at a discount.
Also, a lot of it is really ugly.



$14.99 Gray UCLA tank
This is VERY specific. I hope the woman who wears this is already dating 1 or more Bruins, otherwise it is incredibly limiting and I think she is going to have a hard time finding relationship success.



$17.99 Kansas clogs
Have you ever admired the clompy childish ugliness of crocs and thought, "Self, I should get a pair of those because I have no dignity and like people to see my feet through tiny holes. If only I could somehow make them look splotchy and dirty, too! Then that would seal the deal."?
Because if so, and if you are also a Kansas alum, have I got the crocs for you....

Let's not even start on the orange Miami ones.




$34.99 Clemson khaki capri
Can we all agree that khaki is the worst color to put on your bottom half?
And that capris are the most universally unflattering length for pants?
And that baggy capris are an abomination against god?
Well, let's just add some paw prints. That oughtta fix it.


$9.99 Missouri color daizie earrings
You know what really shows team spirit?
And what really says "I donate to my alumni fund?"
$10 ugly rhinestone flower earrings.
Ask anyone, it's true.

Learn about rabbit anatomy from Oriental Trading

Ok, class. Easter is coming up so let's go around and say our favorite thing about bunnies ....

 "How soft they are!"
 "Their little tails!"
 "How they hop!"
"The rectangle of pink on their bellies!"
 "How they have one head on top of another head!"
 "Their weird extra wrist pillows!"
"How saggy their pants are at their ankles!"
"The weird floating out of scale carrot on their midsections!"
"Their black dress shoes!"

$80 Bunny costume for adults

 Invaluable teaching tool.

2 Sample Sales I have known and not loved.

Just wanted to check in with you guys and tell you about the sample sales going on in NYC this week.



I stopped by the Frette sale, and queen sheet sets or duvet covers were going for $299. Still pretty steep but much better than $1250 which was the original tag.
There were also robes, napkins, and separate top and bottom sheets and shams for sale.

I tried to make a set out of the single sheets since they were cheaper ($75 top and $45 bottom and $20 per pillowcase) but it was hard. I ended up being able to put something together but the line to check out was SO LONG and the people running the sale were SO RUDE that I just left.
I asked if there were any of the cheaper sets ($145) available still and the woman was like "No. You should have signed up for the mailing list."
Btw, I am on the mailing list. That is how I found out about it in the first place.
But I am thinking of taking myself off it because they were truly obnoxious.
I don't recommend this sale.

I also went to the DKNY Sample sale taking place now on 5th ave btw 28 and 29th st. It had nothing special or interesting. Dresses were $85, tops and tees were $30, and pants were $45 I think.
They had shoes and boots but they were all ugly and all size 8.5 it seemed.
There were a few crossbody bags but they looked cheap to me.
I also do not recommend this sale.

So what is next to look forward to?
For me, it's the Surface to Air sale:

Deal: Up to 80% off women's, men's, and children's clothing and accessories.

When/Where: Thursday, March 14 through Sunday, March 17. Thurs 10am—8pm, Fri 10am—7pm, Sun 10am—5pm. 260 Fifth Ave between 28th and 29th Sts (no phone).

Bosom Buddy Pillow

Women, there is a whole new product you need and if you don't get it, well, you're going to be horribly unattractive and no one will ever love you.

What is it?
Glad you asked.

It's a breast pillow.
What?
A pillow that goes between your boobs.
Why?
Well, when you sleep, your boobs might smush together and then you get chest wrinkles and then you die alone. See?

Ok then, here is what it looks like:

 
$29.95 Bosom buddy pillow 
It's pink, which is how you know it was made of us women. Who can only buy things that are pink. Fact.

It's normally $39.95, but guys, they are having a customer appreciation sale because they appreciate you and your wrinkly gross cleavage.
We're so lucky!

Want to see it in action? Thought so:


Make sure you read that quote from Autumn in Michigan who is trying to remain youthful and unwrinkled by any means necessary.

The good news with this product is that they donate some proceeds to breast cancer and uninsured women, but they don't say how much.

If you want to really offend a family member this Christmas, this could be the perfect gift.
Older woman? Check.
Older man? Double check.

Rant about some beauty blogs

Dear Internet Beauty Blogs,
You know what is really annoying?
Those linkbait posts that some of you have advertising "5 AMAZING ways to alter your clothes."
You almost never deliver on those promises and the posts don't have anything new or anything interesting.
Plus you make me click through slideshows to find that out. Grrrr.

I recently fell for one of these when there was a "3 unexpected uses for lip gloss."
I clicked on it thinking, hey, I wonder what those are and since there are only 3 and not 12, maybe they will be real and not fluff.
NOPE
The first tip was to use your lip stuff as blush! OMG! Who would have thought?!
Thanks so much for telling me!
GUESS WHAT: TELLING ME TO USE ONE FACE PRODUCT 1.5 INCHES OVER FROM WHERE I USUALLY USE IT IS NOT NEWS.
It's something that could happen by accident on a bumpy subway!
 You are applying your lipstick and whoaaa, you turn your head really quick and some gets on your cheek, but HOLD ON! It looks like blush!! AMAZING DISCOVERY.
So glad someone revealed this secret of the ages.

No.

The second tip was to use your lip stuff as eyeshadow. So you know, if you want the shiny pink lid look that is all the rage NOWHERE, you can do that.
Sometimes I wake up wondering how to make it look like I have a gross conjunctivitis-type disease or that my face is super oily and I've been crying a lot.
Lip gloss lids to the rescue.

The third tip I don't even remember, probably because it was so boring and not a tip.

I'll tell you what it wasn't though; it wasn't anything useful or surprising or amazing or interesting or unexpected.
It wasn't telling me to put my lip gloss on my razor to make it last longer or that lipstick can patch tires or that chapstick is the perfect flea repellent when added to your dog's food. (Well, one reason it wasn't telling me that is because none of those things are true...)
But I want actually surprising tips. Not more of this same repackaged crap that pops up everywhere.
Ok, Internet?

love,
Rebecca

Review of Joe Fresh nail polish

TERRIBLE!
It totally sucks.

Today I went into Joe Fresh to see if they had any cute new fall looks (not really except for these black and white heels), and decided to try out the tester polishes.

There are a ton of colors to choose from, including pretty ones like hunter, cement, and navy and denim which were almost indistinguishable.
I tried on the eggplant (dark purple gray brown) and the dove (medium gray brown).
The colors I tried on are not on their website now.

Both of them come with what is possibly the worst brush I have ever used.
The brush is short and rough and inflexible.
The fibers are really stiff and blunt which means that as you paint polish on your nail and overlap a spot to get full coverage, the brush actually pulls up a streak of color you just put down. So annoying!

I am pretty adept at handling different brushes and textures of polish, but the Joe Fresh brushes and polish were so hard to work with that I gave up on getting an even finish.
The polish itself is not dense with color and is more gel-like and thin than I wanted. This also leads to streaks.

Also, it stays wet forevvvvvver.

Both my nails got nicked and look terrible. Now over 2 hours later they still feel not dry, and if I tried to dent one I am sure I could. Oh wait, I just scraped it by accident and it is totally ruined now.

The 3 for $10 deal might seem like a good deal and the colors might look cute, but trust me and save your money and time for Sally Hansen or Essie.

More idiocy from SkyMall

Not enough?
Here's some more!

$99.99 Color changing shower head light
Is my leg bleeding? Nah, it's just the red cycle on my fun shower light.
The purpose of showering is to get clean and get out, no?
Why would you want to limit what you can see and have a disco dance party in there?

$499 Townhaus dog crate
This puppy jail costs more than my bed. (Thanks, Ikea!)
I understand the desire to not look at a wire crate, but just get some wood and cover it up! You don't need to get a $500 cabinet with one side missing.

$29.99 Cat eyes sleepshirt
What better way to freak out your bedmate than to have them roll over to this in the middle of the night?
Also, true or false: you have seen at least 5 of these walking around as dresses in Williamsburgh

$9.99 Ruby slipper socks
Not gonna lie, I want these.
Why wear shoes and socks when you can fake wearing both by just putting on something with the functionality of neither?

$119.99 Illumicube
What is an illumicube you ask? Well, it's this. And it costs 120 bones.
It has lights, and it sits there. And it's a cube. And it takes up space.
So, if you are looking for a way to spend money and take up space and also want something to blow your frikkin mind when you are high, this is your jam.

$99.99 Touchscreen compatible women's gloves
First of all, let's start off with the fact that you can get touchscreen gloves for under $20 at any convenience store.
Next, let's talk about the look of these. What is going on here?!
For just $100 we can make your fingers look like a frat couch!
Do you want your gloves to show the outside world that you are an assassin? And use your smartphone at the same time? Well congratulations, you've found your item.

$149.95 Ultrasonic hand moisturizer
When I first saw this, I thought it was a nail polish dryer or uv light. But wait, there was one of those 50 pages ago in the catalog. No, turns out, this is a fancy machine that moisturizes your hands. Sonically.
I have never ever seen this before. Do you know anyone who has used anything like this?


And now the piece de resistance, the item to end all items, the cosmic joke of SkyMall.....

ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you......
Drunk Cat Canvas Print!!!!!!!!!

$1,199.95 Drunk Cat Canvas Print

Yes, you read that correctly. This beauty will set you back over $1000.
Also, despite being a name I would absolutely give to this while mocking it, the title of the item really is, in the catalog and everything, "Drunk cat canvas print."

You never need to look at SkyMall again, because this is the best and most outrageously priced thing they will ever offer.

The End.

Stupid shit from SkyMall

I've been traveling a lot for work recently, and you know what that means....SKYMALL!!
Someone out there knows that people get drunker on planes than on the ground and that drunk people make hilaaaarious purchasing decisions, and smartly invented SkyMall.

Here are some items that almost seem like a good idea while you are in the air:

$69 Metal ice chest
Holds 15 quarts and looks cool with the diamond grid pattern. But then you're like whoa it's $70 box wtf

$1,799 Solo Wheel
So here is what I think the pitch is:
Have you ever wanted a unicycle but worried that it wasn't lame enough? Wish your Segway could be even weirder? We made this just for you!!!!!!!

$24.99 Paper log maker
What?
You use this to squish paper together to make it into a log for your fireplace. Wayyyyy easier than getting wood.

$99.99 Cherry watch holder
Do you have this many watches? How many wrists do you have?

$39.99 Wireless road mouse
It's a little car, but it's a mouse for your computer!
Kinda cute, but couldn't you just take the bottom off a hotwheels car and glue it to a mouse for a whole lot cheaper?

Really Ugly Really Expensive Swimsuit

With a title like that, you gotta want to see more, no?
I found this lovely item browsing 6pm.com:

$349 Michael Kors Lux belted python cutout maillot
First of all, when you see that many words used to describe a <1 yard piece of material, you know you are about to be ripped off.

Here is how I think the design process for this bathing suit went:

"Hmm, women always say: I want to wear a bikini, but I'm a little too modest.
I know, I'll get one of those mono-kinis everyone is talking about!
Yeah, this is awesome, no one can tell I have a belly button at all!
Oh wait, I am worried about my love handles and stomach flab.
Well, belts solve everything...
I am going to belt it.
Done. Awesome. Sell it."

Etsy Find of the Day: Magic wand

Let's say you have a couple hundred bucks and nothing special to do with them.
Also, you live in a basement, possibly belonging to your parents.
Plus, you have a very vivid imagination but no, as they call them, "real" friends.
But! You believe in magic, and you have that cash.

What do you do?
Well, first you buy this magic wand:

 $130 Abundance Prosperity magic wand

Then you cast a spell for an ABUNDANCE of friends and a job that will lead you to PROSPERITY.
Then you start living in the adult world and somehow lose the wand because you have a life a better things to do.
Money well spent!!

Even furries are becoming hipsters now...

Check out the article on the fashion trends at the latest furry convention.
This picture is the Steven Alan shirt + selvedge denim + paws and furry head look.

Peeing yourself = fashion statement

The new Harvey Nichols sale campaign features models who have peed their pants.
The tagline is "Try to contain your excitement."
I think it's hilarious.

I especially like thinking about models who haven't had much exposure before, and this is their first big ad.
They will call and be like "Grandma! Look at my picture! I'm so proud to have gotten such a big modelling job" and then they will be seen everywhere with a wet crotch.

Etsy Find of the Day: Giant wings

$650 huge charcoal crow wings

Sometimes when I am on a boring conference call at work, or getting dressed to go out to dinner on the weekend, I find my mind wandering. "Where can I get a pair of enormous weird wings that I can wear to help me look like a constipated moron?"

Well, now I'll have to find a new thing to think about, wont I?
These wings are everything a woman could want.
They are 12 feet wide, made of styrofoam, have a spring that sticks into your back, and look really uncomfortable to wear! Could they be any more perfect?

Next time you feel like standing awkwardly in an unfinished middle school gym, trying to squeeze one out, put on a pair of these babies.
They might not loosen your flow, but they'll certainly distract the police from figuring out what you're doing in there in the first place.